Invalidating my feelings
Problem is that his 'reasoning' applies to him too.While you are 'choosing' to feel upset, he is making the very real choice of ignoring and dismissing it."That was a rude thing to say" "I don't consider that ok behaviour in a relationship". You make it sound like there's a space to fight about OP's feelings. OP feels something, their BF dismisses it, time to dump him. "Yeah, sorry, boss, I didn't get that work done on time and let down the team but you know, I can't impact your happiness, so..."Sounds ridiculous, right? Self-help books like that are just some person’s opinion, and I’m sure it works for some people, but certainly not everyone.No point in bending yourself over to style the sentences in a way the boyfriend can't negate them and shift the blame on OP. The point isn't to "win" the fight, the point is to have a partner you don't have to have fights about feelings with in the first place. Dunk his phone in the toilet and if he complains tell him, "it's not my fault and you shouldn't chose to be upset because what I did should have no impact on your feelings."Sorry, I have no suggestions. He says that you have control over how you feel, but what he’s really saying is that he wants control over how you feel.
While we all make choices..choices are influenced by our environment and the people around us.However, when I did something that upset them, I was made to feel like a horrible person.You need to have a serious discussion with him and tell him how you feel.Saying sorry when you hurt someone’s feelings even when it’s unintentional is Sesame Street level basic human interaction shit.
They’re called self help books, not manipulate other people to get out of taking responsibility books. HOWEVER, he did begin to see things my way ONLY after I started treating him the way he treated me, and sometimes using his own statements against him.
It would be very convenient for him if you no longer got upset with him when he did something wrong. He knows that and he’s manipulating you by making it seem like it’s your choice.